I have been married for two and a half years and during that time I have spent the night at home alone two or three times. I often leave Alycia at home alone for conferences, camps and retreats. This week, though, she has left me at home. She is at the Children’s Pastors Conference in San Diego, sharpening her ministry skill set. I’m excited that she has this opportunity but I miss my wife.
While I’ve no desire to replace my wife, here are some nerdy wives that could have made me happy in another, fictional life.
I really like all of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I obviously love Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain Barbossa but I never cared for Will Turner. I thought he was kind of a whiny boy scout who was only there to say things like, “I promise to save you” or “I’m always going to do the honorable thing.” Mostly I thought Will Turner was kind of boring. His wife on the other hand, Elizabeth Swann, was far more interesting. She not only turned her back on her privileged life to marry a pirate, but she also turned her back on Jack and left him to the kraken. Elizabeth Swann would make a great wife because she could protect me from fish-headed monsters and she tans really well.
Of all the characters on Firefly I most identified with Wash. He was kind of goofy and played with his dinosaur toys while working. I don’t have any dinosaur toys but I have plenty of other action figures at my desk to keep me distracted from my work. I liked Zoë and Wash’s relationship; their differences only magnified their love. I think Zoë would make a great wife because she’s strong and decisive; I would never have to choose where to eat again. Also, if I wanted to throw hard looks at anyone on vacation for being a Packers fan or wearing an Affliction shirt, I know that Zoë would have my back and keep me from getting beat up.
One of my very first fictional crushes was on Jean Grey, one of Marvel’s most powerful mutants. It’s a little weird to have a crush on a fictional character but, from conversations I’ve had with my friends, I wasn’t the only one. I actually don’t know if Jean Grey would make a good wife. Cyclops didn’t mind that much and, after Jean died for the first time, was more than happy to marry someone who looked just like her. Being married to a telepath would be a little scary. I try not to keep anything from Alycia but it’d be unsettling if she could read my mind. I’m not hiding anything from her but she might roll her eyes at the sheer number of pointless nerdy things I think about throughout the day. I’d rather my wife not know how much time I spend thinking about a potential new Star Trek series or which of my friends might actually be a Cylon.
My wife has only been gone one night and I already miss her dreadfully. While I’m sure these nerdy wives would be great, none of them could ever replace Alycia.
What other nerdy wives could make a groom happy?