#507 – Nerdy Winter/Spring Movie Preview

The summer is the best time of year for nerdy movies. While we wait for Memorial Day and the Fourth of July, though, there is still plenty of nerdy fare to take in at the local cinemas. We may not be as excited for these movies as we are for The Wolverine or Elysium, but we can still get our nerd on.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters – January 25, 2013

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This movie looks terrible in all of the best ways. The premise of Hansel and Gretel growing up to be witch hunters is ridiculous enough. But all of the over-the-top action and decapitated witches looks to push the ridiculousness to Crank and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter levels. This movie has been sitting on the shelf for a few years and January is known as a dumping ground for bad movies. If we set our expectations low enough, though, we may find ourselves thoroughly enjoying Hawkeye killing witches and taking candy.

Warm Bodies – February 01, 2013

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I don’t really like chick flicks and I don’t really like zombie movies so I don’t think Warm Bodies is in my wheelhouse. The story of a zombie falling in love with a live girl, though, is very original and intriguing. There have been so many zombie movies in recent years and even though I haven’t seen any of them I imagine they’re all the same: zombies running after people and people killing them with shotguns/hammers/Molotov cocktails/golf clubs. Warm Bodies is another zombie movie but it actually looks to push the genre forward. If Warm Bodies is successful perhaps The Walking Dead will spin off into Sex Zombies and the City.

Jack the Giant Slayer – March 01, 2013

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I wish I had some magic beans. I would grow a giant beanstalk and climb it during the rain in order to get some sunshine. I could also charge people to do the same thing; it’d be an all-natural tanning salon. I haven’t seen much for Jack the Giant Slayer but its director is Bryan Singer. Superman Returns was tremendously boring but I still have faith in Singer because X-Men, X2 and The Usual Suspects were all spectacular. Jack the Giant Slayer might not be that great but at least the next movie we’ll see from Singer is X-Men: Days of Future Past.

Oz: The Great and Powerful – March 08, 2013

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James Franco is insane but I have loved him ever since his appearance on 30 Rock. Oz: The Great and Powerful looks like Disney’s attempt to recapture the magic and hopefully the box office of Alice in Wonderland. I don’t know if Oz can have the same success as Alice without Johnny Depp even though it looks very colorful and reasonably entertaining. Mostly I think watching Oz will just make me want a Wicked movie even more than I already do. Also, it makes me think about this clip from Arrested Development.

 

G.I. Joe: Retaliation – March 29, 2013

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I already previewed G.I. Joe: Retaliation when it was supposed to come out last summer. Here is my original preview:

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra was not a great movie. It was mildly entertaining in an over-the-top kind of way. The movie was hindered by its lack of realism, both in the action and Channing Tatum’s acting. In spite of its predecessor, though, I am super excited for G.I. Joe: Retaliation. From the trailers it appears that Channing Tatum dies early and The Rock replaces him. That is like a 2,000-point swing: Channing Tatum is -1,000 and The Rock is +1,000. The action also looks more realistic and Cobra Commander actually wears his mask and not some glorified SCUBA gear. Also, in case you forgot, The Rock.

The studio said that they pushed G.I. Joe: Retaliation back in order to convert it to 3D. I certainly hope that’s all they did. My greatest fear is with Channing Tatum’s unlikely stardom they reshot the movie and removed his death. That wouldn’t be as horrible as Greedo shooting first but it would still suck.

Oblivion – April 19, 2013

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I still wish this was a movie version of The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Instead of a hero closing Oblivion gates, though, this Oblivion is about Tom Cruise playing Earth’s janitor in the future. The movie looks pretty good and it also stars God (Morgan Freeman), as a cigar-smoking Morpheus-looking dude. Tom Cruise may be a little crazy but he’s still a grade-a movie star. Tommy still has all the right moves and while Oblivion may not be a far and away success, a science fiction adventure starring a movie legend probably won’t be risky business.

While not as exciting as the summer, the next few months have plenty of nerdy movies to look forward to. I’m terribly excited for Iron Man 3 and Star Trek Into Darkness but zombies, witch hunters and giant slayers will have to tide me over until then.

What movies are you looking forward to over the next few months?

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2 Responses to “#507 – Nerdy Winter/Spring Movie Preview”

  1. Hansel and Gretel remind me of another failed Gothic horror-action film: Van Helsing.

    • Yeah, Van Helsing was pretty bad but it was also a lot of fun. I remember being entertained. I can shut off enough of my brain so I can simply enjoy explosions.

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