I’ve used some colorful language with God recently.
A missionary couple I know was involved in an accident. She lived but he died.
One of my family members has been diagnosed with cancer.
A friend of some friends was murdered.
All of this has taken place within the last four days. I feel like my life and the lives of those I care about have been like the shore, constantly beat with wave after wave of tragedy and bad news. I’m scared for the next phone call or the next hushed conversation. I don’t know if I can take any more waves.
One of my wisest friends said that we’re in the midst of a gray season. There are gray clouds hanging over everything and we’re all just waiting for the light to break through.
And even though I’ve been shouting at God, I know the light will break through.
I was word vomiting on a friend tonight about my anger, frustration and disillusionment with what has happened over these past few days. Trying to find meaning in the midst of senseless tragedies is impossible. Senseless tragedies, by definition, make no sense. In spite of all that anger, frustration and disillusionment, though, I told my friend that I still know God is good and that he can redeem even the most tragic of circumstances.
Even as I said those words they sounded like hollow church answers. And they would be hollow church answers if I didn’t so completely believe them.
I know that God’s goodness is not dictated by our circumstances. Regardless of what we see and experience God is good.
I know that God redeems tragedies for his glory and that he will be glorified through this gray season.
I know and believe those things to the core of my being but I’m still angry, frustrated and disillusioned. I’m shouting at God, all the time knowing that he is good. I’m asking God how he could let something like this happen, all the time knowing he is sovereign and a redeemer.
I can’t describe how it feels to be so totally angry with God and still completely trust in his goodness.
Sometimes all we can do in gray seasons is trust in that goodness. We may not see any evidence of God’s light breaking through, but we have to believe that it’s there, just waiting to wash the gray away.